Tuesday 5 May 2009

Dream: I’m in The Apprentice and the task this episode is to do Alan Sugar’s VAT return. Obviously I ace it even having Nick Hewitt commend (almost rave) about me when really I don’t feel the standard of the work is up to scratch because the job is rushed…..much like my current job in the real world.

As I leave this morning so does the nurse next door. She does not however acknowledge me suggesting that my note on her car a few weeks ago has knocked her nurse nose out of joint.

Driving to park up for my walk to the station once more I get stuck behind a poodling car. Will this line of people ever end?

When I eventually park up and begin walking to the station I see in the distance the crazy lady walking her Alsatians doing training tricks along the way. This serves as a sure-fire indicator that I am very late this morning.

Alas this is nothing to worry about as post bank holiday the trains are obviously going to be running late today.

On the platform the pig woman with huge bags under her eyes that thinks she’s it and farts perfume appears panicked and in the process she pushes me out of the way in order to get on the train ahead of the patient commuters. She’s always pulling this shit, one day she will pull/push it too far and wind up being shoved under the train. Clueless fucking cunt.

At Kelvedon the middle aged Stewart Lee gets on the train. I wonder if he is as sharp as the real one.

During the train journey I come to the horrible realisation/conclusion that the new Sage system we have installed at work doesn’t cut it with regards to reporting. Who would have thought there would have been such a gulf of difference between the definitions department and cost centre. Don’t call my error schoolboy, don’t fucking dare.

Annoyingly the train pulls into Liverpool Street at 8.15 this morning and unsurprisingly I find this offensive. I’m feeling good today though, I guess it’s the haircut working wonders.

The working week gets off to a good start as The Lady brings in croissants for the office and what is going to be a three day week is beginning to feel optimistic.

From a work perspective today is a pretty unfocused on. With deadlines met and out of the way this is some kind of calm after the incident but now also the calm before a new storm. Things feel at a standpoint and there is only so much I can do in order to prepare for what is coming ahead.

This fact is very much hit home when my boss comes into our office late afternoon to declare that we have a very tight month ahead of us due to new demands from the bank having gone batshit on us (the company) once more and now three difficult deadlines have been set in the process, all to be met by the end of May. From our perspective all the stuff at our end is very doable it just depends on how much other people are going to get in the way and stifle us, the biggest potential problem lying ahead being the auditors’ interference into our daily routines. Also this is all coupled with our switching over from one Sage system to another. Ache.

As I head home this evening at Baker Street I see the Baker Street Midget which is a sure sign of stress on my part at this time. Additionally on the platform at Baker Street’s Metropolitan Line I see a battered old munter that I double take and momentarily think is Zoe.

When I eventually board the tube some scrubby old cunt is sat on there eating a tuna salad. It stinks. Part of me thinks that this choice of gourmet is to disguise the fishy whiff coming from between her legs.

On cue I hit the 6.20 train to Norwich. After getting sat down I settle into another boring ride home of disliking my fellow commuters and relying on my iPhone for entertainment. Then I see him from the train a couple of weeks ago – the jumpy guy that stormed the train at Kelvedon.

At first I am not sure whether it is actually him but then he pulls out a paper bag and from within it comes his trademark can of Adnams – his anger juice apparent. Again he is red-faced and nasty looking, doubling as a chubby version of Michael Douglas’ character in Falling Down (its all in the white short sleeve shirt and absent wedding ring).

He sits doing a crossword and even that appears to make him angry. Then his mobile phone rings, he is not happy. I however am happy, happy in my silent mockery of him until I realise that that is what I am going to be/resemble in 20 years if (IF) I am lucky. He gets the last laugh and doesn’t even realise it.

The guy begins to scare me. Twice I catch him staring and twice I feel terrified in the process. Have the tables now turned and does he recognise me?

Not before time we get back to Colchester and when we leave the train it does not involve him pulling the emergency cord and kicking the door open. Neither does he follow me, so that’s a bonus.

Heading home tonight when I stop by the parents at Balkerne Heights it is to Arsenal vs Manchester United in the European Cup. Already carrying a 1-0 lead from the first game within eleven minutes Manchester United are already 2-0 and on their way to a 3-1 victory on the night and a 4-1 win on aggregate.

When I get home I listen to Danny Baker tear the match and Arsenal apart on 606. Even a couple of Arsenal fans phoning in the show have to concede just how bad they were. Satisfaction guaranteed.