Monday 21 September 2009

I needed more time than this.

For some reason last night I experienced an incredibly disturbed night. I had a weird dream featuring a vague friend that recently got married in California. That was pretty much it.

The day begins badly as while parking up an obnoxious foreign person cuts me up at the car park gates. When I yield and let him out I can’t help but feel I let the whole nation down in the process.

On the train this morning I fail to get my seat. And I come teasingly and frustratingly close as some barging cunt girl nips in front of me and makes a nest for her and her boyfriend who proceed to annoyingly talk loudly for the entire duration of the journey. Do they not realise commuter trains = silence.

The lairy IT guy (Son Of Computer Fag) is back on the train this morning but at least he isn’t attempting to bump me off the platform for once. Jesus this guy must really be into computers because he is always pumped in that geek fashion/style the seldom convinces. Elsewhere on the train Commuter Jay-Z exchanges his customary evil looks with me.

As the train nears Liverpool Street inevitably it beaches outside the station for what feels like forever until it eventually bowls in at 8.07AM. With the advent of breaking into my new Travelcard I really should give up on this now. Then again fuck it I am paying more than the value of most people’s car for the privilege of this ride, I should expect a perfect service and value for money.

After I board the tube suddenly the experience is accompanied by the sound of a man sporting the most throaty cough I have heard in a long. Now I bet I am about to catch his cold after experiencing it in such a confined space. I’m not going to point fingers with regards the heaviness of the cough being related to the fact that the man is very obese. No, that would be mean. I’ll leave my disdain for when I finally get the cough myself.

Later as I change lines at Baker Street I witness a man wearing sandals/flip flops. His feet are fucking ginormous and hideous with it. I feel I am vulnerable to his disease by just looking at his hairy large toe that has bigger girth than my fucking cock (almost). As I stagger off the carriage I make a point of attempting to step on his toes to teach him a lesson. I think I manage it.

As the Jubilee Line tube nears St Johns Wood I see the Azmei lookalike again and her vision blows me away and depresses me with memories of defeat and acting like a fool, actions that remain stamped on my soul.

To be honest I wasn’t completely sure what to expect upon returning to work today but I never expected to find/discover my fucking PC wiped of all my files. It was the lack of missing MP3s that tipped me off but then when it became apparent that the entire contents of my My Documents folder is gone I begin to immediately lament the loss of actual work from my computer. Unfortunately there is nobody around to listen to me.

Eventually I find a new drive in my PC called D: and this is where the files now are but with iTunes having also been removed suddenly my iPhone settings are truly fucked as I attempt to sync it to the machine. Why the fuck did the IT Guy do this without asking or warning me, allowing me to prep my files first? I know it’s a work PC and I can claim no such ownership of it but ultimately my attempting to put things straight just proves counterproductive as it cuts into my beginning work.

On Radio One today is the Stereophonics whoring their new song and it is a complete rip off of a Spoon song, to the point that Britt Daniel should sue. I fucking hate that band.

It is a slow start to my returning week and while the IT Guy and I talking enthusiastically (loudly) about Fish Tank the boss comes into our office and tells us to get on with work. He has never told us off like that before, something must be up.

There is a slight problem in that as all three sets of accounts I am working on sit in the hands of the consultant so all I can begin doing is some dotting I and crossing T work.

Halfway through the morning I scream again as I think I see the mouse scurry beneath the girl’s desk and chair. Promptly she screams also but then begins to take the piss out of me for my reaction, accusing me of imagining it and “seeing things.” As the day carries on and there are no further spottings of the thing I begin to question these things myself.

For lunch I have ribs and the prawn starter as I return to good food and the impression of good living. The Girl tells me that I look like I have lost weight when the reality is that I am wearing a snug XXL top from Asda today.

I sail out the afternoon trying to deal with a barrage of queries and requests that are coming in from different directions. This is a juggling act I can’t win.

The biggest distraction however comes in my inability to sync my iPhone off the back of the drive nuisance.

When 5.30PM comes around I am very relieved to get my first day back over and done with. I get on the 6.20PM Norwich train and as ever no one wants to sit next to me. Then I spot Angry Adnams and I pray he does not spot me and take the seat.

Eventually someone takes the seat next to me and as he does so he comments on my broken iPhone. This now appears to be the most distinguishable part of my being and personality.

Yet again I ride home listening to the Tracy Morgan comedy record. This never fails to cheer me and still feels fresh every time I hear it.

Back in Colchester I pop into the olds and just as I arrive dad is leaving to take the dog for a walk. Bobby spots me immediately and does his little trick of pretending he hasn’t seen me before running at me and going berserk.

When I arrive home to Bohemian Grove the latest copy of Bizarre magazine has arrived. Why haven’t I cancelled this subscription yet?

The momentum of last week follows through as I get a lot of stuff done this evening. Unfortunately I find myself having more iPhone issues as the volume gets stuck on maximum. What is going on with this piece of shit?

As I put more catch up entries online I listen in the background to Jeremy Paxman interview Spike Lee on Newsnight. That guy is feisty as ever and pretty dismissive of Obama, which in a way isn’t surprising but Lee certainly has not mellowed with age, which in a way is impressive and commendable. That guy will never be happy.

I fall asleep trying to watch Away We Go. This movie does not capture me.